is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
