So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
