I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
