I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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