Tell her she can't have a vagina
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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