his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
