If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
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she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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