please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
