He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
