Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
