I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
