just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
