Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dignity is for republicans.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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