My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
