Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
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Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
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I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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