drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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