Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
