Is it normal to miss your booty call?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
