He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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