If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
we're making bets on your personal life
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
