My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.