Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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