its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
