OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
