this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
