is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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