Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
