My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
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It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
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If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
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