your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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