That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
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when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
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I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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