If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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