Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
