im drinking this country out of the recession.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
