An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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