I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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