my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
