this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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