I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
