I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
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I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
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I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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