just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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