I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
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