I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
