I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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