Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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