Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
