so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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