Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
