you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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