Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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