I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
