Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
pray to the hookup gods
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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