i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
