zippers are such a cool invention
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
foreskin is a definite game changer
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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