when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
