fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
