he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
