upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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